So why am I once again writing about Mormonism when I have not written a Mormon-themed blog post in almost 3 years? It all has to do with a private message I received recently on Facebook Messenger from a relative.
You grubby little apostate! I always knew you were weak, abandoning your wife and 5 children for some internet bimbo. You must have a real high opinion yourself and your stupid ideas about the church. Be very careful that you don't try to lead others astray. You have nothing to offer since you lost the gift of the holy ghost. Very disappointed in how your life has been conducted.I will not post my response to this message here. Suffice it to say that I used some direct and colorful language to dispute some of the assertions contained in the message. I did not deny being an apostate from the Mormon point of view, but I did not abandon my family. My believing ex-wife chose to divorce me, and I continued to support my kids and spend as much time with them as I could after the divorce. They are all grown now and I have a good relationship with them.
I outed this relative on my Facebook wall, but then later made the thread private after this relative apologized for the tone of the message and for the factual errors, while re-emphasizing the admonition that I not lead others astray. I have chosen not to post any personally identifiable information about this relative here except for the initial message itself. I just wanted to make a few observations and clarifications here.
I choose this forum because only interested parties who seek it out will read it. I have never intended to lead anyone out of the church if it is working for them and they are happy participating and believing. However, there are many people for whom the church does not work as well. I would like those people to know that there are alternatives that may work better for them and there are people who understand who will be there to support them.
My relative accused me of arrogance after reading a couple of my blog posts. I am not sure which ones, but I recommended my Book of Mormon Research Blog as the best explanation for why I can no longer believe in the foundational claims of Mormonism. The accusation of arrogance is a puzzling one to me. I never get accused of arrogance in real life. I think this accusation has more to do with the discomfort caused by having one's beliefs questioned than actual arrogance. According to dictionary.com, arrogance is "having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities." It seems to me, by this definition, that someone who stubbornly clings to beliefs that have been thoroughly refuted by the evidence is far more arrogant that someone who is willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if it means giving up long-held, cherished beliefs. To the contrary, giving up ones beliefs because the evidence contradicts them is an act of the deepest humility.
My relative also admonished me not to lead others out of the church, which is something that my ex-wife also worried about. This is also very strange to me. When I was a believer it was quite a challenge to convince people to join the Mormon church as we were constantly asked to do. I never had much success at it. How did I suddenly become so persuasive when I am still basically the same person? I have never really tried to lead anyone out of the church, but only to tell my story and express my opinions. I have only done it in forums where interested parties have to seek it out. I rarely share my opinions about religion in real life unless I am asked. It is not that I would not like to, but I realize the the effort is useless for the unprepared. I would rather be supportive after someone has already come to their own conclusions.
Of course, I will not stop sharing my opinions with anyone who is interested. I have just as much right to share my opinions as any believing Mormon. Sometimes believing Mormons have big misconceptions about people who leave. Some of my believing relatives think that I still know the Mormon church is true, but I am being willful or obstinate or lying to myself to relieve the guilt of sinning. This is completely false. I acknowledge that I may be wrong about many things, but my lack of belief in Mormonism is quite sincere, and I believe the facts support me.
One problem with Mormonism is that it makes claims that are testable and that have been demonstrated to a very high probability to be false. Many more mature faiths have backed off from such claims. You cannot disprove the existence of God or an afterlife, but you can easily demonstrate that Mormons are wrong about ancient America, just as you can demonstrate that young-earth creationists are wrong about evolution and the age of the earth. Anyone who still believes in such claims are ignorant of the facts or are clinging to an emotional basis for this belief.
Because my lack of belief in Mormonism has a well-supported factual basis, I cannot choose to believe again without denying all the evidence I am aware of. The preponderance of evidence would have to swing to the church's favor for me to reconsider, and there is a long, long way to go for that to ever be the case. This is something that my believing relatives are afraid to acknowledge because it could become a threat to their own faith if they follow the evidence too far, but this is the main reason why so many people are leaving Mormonsm.
Most human decisions are based on emotion, not on facts, which is why most people stubbornly cling to the beliefs they have always held regardless of how much the evidence is stacked against them. It is possible to rise above this, but it is very difficult without at least some training in the methods of science, and a willingness to follow where ever the evidence leads. Which leads to the last point I would like to make about my relative's statement, "I always knew you were weak"
Leaving the church is not taking the easy way out. In her book "Willful Blindness," Margaret Heffernan argues that maintaining beliefs that we have always held is the easy way. The far more difficult cognitive path is to change our minds. This coupled with the high potential social costs of leaving Mormonism suggests that it is not the weak who leave, but the strong.
